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Ill-timed Confessions and Bitter-sweet Ego Boosts

So I was in the bar again last night. There was this Junior guy who had dropped into campus for one night to pick up his stuff. He was leaving the next day for study abroad. 

So he came by, hugged me. We said our goodbyes and I said I would see him at home-coming next year when all the seniors make their drunken return. 

But after the goodbyes he just stood their awkwardly looking at me, and while I willed him to walk away he grabbed my arm, leaned in and told me that he has been crazy about me since the day we met. 

....

I'm not interested in him that way. And even if I was what did he expect? That I would jump him right then and there taking advantage of the only chance we ever had together. Maybe - as my guy friends later told me - he just wanted closure on this crush of his that he has been harbouring for no reason. Either way, it was ill-timed and didn't get the best reception.

"You can't say that shit to me right now." and then he walked away.

How much courage does it take to act on a crush? How much more does it take to straight up talk about it? How much of a coward am I?

 

Think like a man

Yesterday, I popped into the bar and made a new acquaintance. He was on his fifth drink - four of which were in shot form - so I'm sure he was more talkative than he normally would be. He first caught my attention when, while giving a friend of mine advice, he told her that she needed to think like a man. Intrigued, I turned to him and said 

"Think like a man? Do tell..."

In the story that follows I shall call my new acquaintance Jack and the girl in question (you will be later introduced) Jill. 

"Yeah! Think like a man!" He said. apparently, men are stubborn and go directly after what they want. If my friend was to resolve her problem, she needed to be direct and get to the point in conversations,  instead of beating around the bush. 

This  seemed like reasonable advice in content, though not in name, so I kept listening. However, at this point a girl came by - this is Jill - and he put out his arm. She hugged him, they flirted a little and then she continued on her way. 

He continued to talk. "You see, you have to play the game." When a girl is  trying to get a guy or a guy is trying to get a girl, they follow certain patterns of behaviour. To succeed you have to know the rules and play. Girls pretend they are not interested in the people they are interested in . Guys always go exactly for what they want and that will never get them any. 

This was beginning to sound decidedly like bullshit. But then mildly-drunk Jack began to back up the bull with some incredible empirical data. 

"You see this group of girls behind me?" I look over his shoulder, and there, on the pseudo-dance floor was an awkward group of girls mildly swaying to the inappropriate-for-dancing bar music. "There is no reason for them to be there, but *Jill* just wants to get my attention." And lo and behold, there was Jill, swaying awkwardly in the middle of the gaggle.  "Now I turn away," He turned more fully towards me so that his back was firmly to the girls,  "and this is going to drive her crazy!"

You see, to get laid, the guy has to think like a girl. He has to pretend he is not interested, until the girl, in frustration/exasperation, starts giving much more overt signs. She becomes so invested, so obsessed! Then the guy can make his move because he knows that he is in!

And surprise, surprise, after a few minutes of the cold shoulder, Jill sauntered over and flung her fluffy white scarf around his neck. They flirted outrageously and I , nauseated,  went to go find some other acquaintances. 

Later in the night, Jill left without Jack and i went over to him to tease him about his failure. But he said, that 100% guaranteed on the night he returns, he is going home with Jill. I have a buck riding on this. I'll let you know whether he succeeds. 

I wonder if this only works for women and men who are utterly full of themselves or whether it rings with a deeper truth. I know I have, on more than one occasion feigned disinterest. But a cold shoulder would deflate and repel me rather than insight me to more overt shows of affection. 

Hmm... food for thought.

Thesis update

Alert : I don't care if you don't understand what follows. If you do understand it, leave me a note, we should talk.

The Thesis room for math students is a depressing little closet with no windows, no comfy chairs and no joy. I guess that also means no distractions because I have been getting my thesis done like a beast.

So far however, I am stuck because the variety i get from the groebner basis of my ideal of interest is larger than the projection of intersection of the curves that generate the ideal. The intersection is what I am after! not all this extra junk information!

What I need to do is find the groebner basis test for intersection of n curves in m-dimensional space. I think that whichever dude figured that out, must have already dealt with my problem.

Here I go

Carpe Diem

http://souljerky.com/_media/swf/alan_watts_life.swf

The Unconscious and Entonophobia

Went to the gym today for the first time with a friend. At around the 22nd minute I  was mortified to realize that I had been jogging directly in front of an old interest of mine. Not to be all giggly and girly, it just brought to my attention the perhaps meaningfulness of the things we do unconsciously  and the great self doubt it can create. Did I do that unconsciously? Or did he come in and set up shop behind me?

Self-doubt is a dangerous thing,  because your fears can never truly be affirmed or denied by someone else.  Yet it keeps you up late at night, colours everything you do, makes you react strangely and sets the stage for some serious angsting. 

Then again, being a tropical black girl of college age in a competitive university in rural white america leaves many real fears to have; Racism, exclusion, undesirability, failure, stupidity, fear of the future etc, etc. 

The sensible neurotic in me tells me to attack them one at a time.  For the time being I will focus on the one fear that is keeping me out of the state of minnesota.... ticks!

Word of the day : ENTONOPHOBIA

Angst and Friendship in the Brave New World

 "One of the principal functions of a friend is to suffer (in a milder and symbolic form) the punishments that we should like, but are unable, to inflict upon our enemies." Brave New World,  Aldous Huxley

Had a massive mood-swing last night. It started out as such a mediocre night, then went to excellent in a heart beat. Then some time around midnight one of my friends was inexplicably angry with me about something - who knew what because the level of anger did not match up with the supposed trespass. I really need to get better at deflecting other people's moods. They end up being my unhappiness way too often. 

On the other hand, I have a good opportunity to avoid that particular set today - until they cool off I suppose - because to day is another friend's happy day:

It's her birthday! But it get's better! She recently found out that she got into Stanford,  Harvard and MIT for grad school. We, her friends, expected nothing less, but it is a great thing to have it all on paper... And so many choices!

Tonight we celebrate! I only hope I can work up the appropriate mood.