puddles of lust

From sage francis:

"Falling in love, this time, was like stepping into a puddle you didn’t think was gonna be as goddamn deep as it motherfucking turned out to be."

How about falling in lust?

I should be starting college now... maybe I would actually make a move.

In my Honesty Box

I take issue with the fact that people find it so difficult to be honest with each other. Even worse, is when they can't be honest with each other even when they are honest with themselves. Nevertheless, we must deal with this fact. So I placed an honesty box in my facebook profile where the shy, the confused, the cowards and the secretly supportive can send their anonymous messages to me. It's a little piece of virtual space that somehow empowers people to tell the truth. This was posted in my box at about 3:02 one morning. I assume he was a little drunk.


"A certain secret admirer freshman who is sad to see you leave because he thinks you are pretty sexy and seem to have it going on and if you weren't leaving in a few weeks and he weren't a youngun he'd be asking you out on a date and dear god he hopes your not a lesbian, if you were he'd have no issue of course, especially if you liked both cindys and tommys, but anyhow back on message he just had to let you know what could have been if you weren't a million years older than he and ya know leaning towards soon being in a wheelchair and depends. Your cool, your hot, and you will be missed."


Sweet.

How should I reply?

Vogueing and the Female Mind

Call: Twisting Twirling!
Response: Spining Swirling!

Call: Twerking!
Response: Jerking!

Call: Really Working!

All: OWWWWW

Call: I'm talking 'bout eating it up
Response: What?

Call: I'm talking 'bout serving it out
Response: Yeah?

Call: Booyaka Booyaka Booyaka
Response: Bitch !

All: Chaa Chacha Chaa Chaa Chaaaaaaa!


Went to a vogueing workshop. It was awesome!! I had only seen this kind of dance on madonna and youtube videos and it was a good exercise trying to do a new style of dance that I completely and utterly sucked at.

It was good for more than that though. I am constantly frustrated at dance parties here at school and have previously not been able to put the why into words. The guy who ran the workshop said that when voguers hit the dance floor, they bring it all, they give it their ten out of ten and this often results in fights, and beautiful challenging dancing. I end nights here with tons of energy still in my veins. I need a place where I can give my ten without feeling alone.

The chant above must be said with attitude, loudly. The dancing itself is constantly a challenge, a battle and imposition of one's female self - unapologetically - upon the world. But we have to remember that this is a dance done by men. What can they truly know about femininity? Can a female really push hers femaleness so violently forward for display?

Right now I sit with a friend. She has balls of solid brass and last night put herself forward and asked a guy out. Today she has given up on guys and openness and bravery. I, with only half her courage, sit deciphering nonsensical and meaningless phrases that guys throw out at me to see if I can find some hint of real interest. "You rock!" What the hell??

Our approaches are very different. Passive and active we are confronted with a world of sexuality where we just don't run the show.

All: Chaa Chacha Chaa Chaa Chaaaaaaa!

Guy advice from a guy

Guys don't like girls who can talk

endquote

Back to school

Spring break is over and we are back to the grind stone. 6 weeks until the last day of undergraduate education... I am so ready.

In the meanwhile my friend waits on her new beau-to-be to make his move. He apparently has until Friday before she shows up at his door and takes what she wants.

Guys are interesting creatures; secretly fragile, easily distracted, simply adorable, delicious to behold, inadvertently hurtful, stupid...

The question is... where can I find one of my own?

Should I give in to the sketchy and not so sketchy older men who trail their intentions up and down my body? Should I give in to the young ones who - with less finesse - try to use their hands? Can't some normal, intelligent, good looking guy about 22 and 6' 2" show up and worship me?

A few Maxims

It's funny how these things work....

It's like that British friend of mine. He said that when he is high he loves listening to music because he feels like every song has been written and played just for him.

It's like walking into church late and being greeted with a Homily that speaks to the very problem you were having that week.

It's like today, getting one of those obnoxious cell-phone horoscopes that I don't know how to stop getting and having it say:

"Whatever you do today don't let your temper get the better of you. The biggest problesm will relate to travel complications!"

...just when I'm having a devil of a time planning my trip to NYC tomorrow.

So I stumble onto these lame quotes from Oscar Wilde. And suddenly the trite rings true... so bear with me

"Friendship is far more tragic than love. It lasts longer."

Maybe that's why my friends girlfriend hates me so. Even as I back away and spend less time with him, she seems ever more desperate , because she knows that distance (shockingly) has not affected the depth of our relationship. Maybe if they get married she would finally be secure enough to not be threatened by my harmless existence.

"One should never listen. To listen is a sign of indifference to one's hearers."

When I'm in class I often don't participate... thinking I am granting airtime to others. I am learning from them. I am not boring them with my useless ramblings. But I should be a bit more honest. In part, I just don't want to be there. Maybe I could be teaching someone something....

"It is a very sad thing that nowadays there is so little useless information."

I really want time to learn the things i want to learn. Not for my job, or my classes, but the things that interest me. My profs say that that's why they become professors - for the research time in the things that they love. But wow, what a journey for something so simple. Maybe I should quit whining and make time.

"Education is an admirable thing. But it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught."

AMEN! God, I am so ready to graduate. I suddenly feel the urge to do something big, like these kids I went to school with who are LITERALLY off saving the world... They started a children's home in India. Holy Shit! Look them up, they are called the Ashraya Initiative for Children

that's my little bit of cheese and self indulgence. Hope you enjoyed it.

Just do it

http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=1079

Update... long time no see

So Jack from the "Think like a man" failed miserably. He now says that he is done with games and scheming. He is simply going to jump on whatever floats his way.

I am still single and the thesis still needs to be written...

...but I am now back on board for the blogging. So if you are out there reading... you can rest easy now.

Stay tuned for recipes for my fav alcoholic drinks.

Free Custom Music Station

www.pandora.com

you're welcome

Ill-timed Confessions and Bitter-sweet Ego Boosts

So I was in the bar again last night. There was this Junior guy who had dropped into campus for one night to pick up his stuff. He was leaving the next day for study abroad. 

So he came by, hugged me. We said our goodbyes and I said I would see him at home-coming next year when all the seniors make their drunken return. 

But after the goodbyes he just stood their awkwardly looking at me, and while I willed him to walk away he grabbed my arm, leaned in and told me that he has been crazy about me since the day we met. 

....

I'm not interested in him that way. And even if I was what did he expect? That I would jump him right then and there taking advantage of the only chance we ever had together. Maybe - as my guy friends later told me - he just wanted closure on this crush of his that he has been harbouring for no reason. Either way, it was ill-timed and didn't get the best reception.

"You can't say that shit to me right now." and then he walked away.

How much courage does it take to act on a crush? How much more does it take to straight up talk about it? How much of a coward am I?

 

Think like a man

Yesterday, I popped into the bar and made a new acquaintance. He was on his fifth drink - four of which were in shot form - so I'm sure he was more talkative than he normally would be. He first caught my attention when, while giving a friend of mine advice, he told her that she needed to think like a man. Intrigued, I turned to him and said 

"Think like a man? Do tell..."

In the story that follows I shall call my new acquaintance Jack and the girl in question (you will be later introduced) Jill. 

"Yeah! Think like a man!" He said. apparently, men are stubborn and go directly after what they want. If my friend was to resolve her problem, she needed to be direct and get to the point in conversations,  instead of beating around the bush. 

This  seemed like reasonable advice in content, though not in name, so I kept listening. However, at this point a girl came by - this is Jill - and he put out his arm. She hugged him, they flirted a little and then she continued on her way. 

He continued to talk. "You see, you have to play the game." When a girl is  trying to get a guy or a guy is trying to get a girl, they follow certain patterns of behaviour. To succeed you have to know the rules and play. Girls pretend they are not interested in the people they are interested in . Guys always go exactly for what they want and that will never get them any. 

This was beginning to sound decidedly like bullshit. But then mildly-drunk Jack began to back up the bull with some incredible empirical data. 

"You see this group of girls behind me?" I look over his shoulder, and there, on the pseudo-dance floor was an awkward group of girls mildly swaying to the inappropriate-for-dancing bar music. "There is no reason for them to be there, but *Jill* just wants to get my attention." And lo and behold, there was Jill, swaying awkwardly in the middle of the gaggle.  "Now I turn away," He turned more fully towards me so that his back was firmly to the girls,  "and this is going to drive her crazy!"

You see, to get laid, the guy has to think like a girl. He has to pretend he is not interested, until the girl, in frustration/exasperation, starts giving much more overt signs. She becomes so invested, so obsessed! Then the guy can make his move because he knows that he is in!

And surprise, surprise, after a few minutes of the cold shoulder, Jill sauntered over and flung her fluffy white scarf around his neck. They flirted outrageously and I , nauseated,  went to go find some other acquaintances. 

Later in the night, Jill left without Jack and i went over to him to tease him about his failure. But he said, that 100% guaranteed on the night he returns, he is going home with Jill. I have a buck riding on this. I'll let you know whether he succeeds. 

I wonder if this only works for women and men who are utterly full of themselves or whether it rings with a deeper truth. I know I have, on more than one occasion feigned disinterest. But a cold shoulder would deflate and repel me rather than insight me to more overt shows of affection. 

Hmm... food for thought.

Thesis update

Alert : I don't care if you don't understand what follows. If you do understand it, leave me a note, we should talk.

The Thesis room for math students is a depressing little closet with no windows, no comfy chairs and no joy. I guess that also means no distractions because I have been getting my thesis done like a beast.

So far however, I am stuck because the variety i get from the groebner basis of my ideal of interest is larger than the projection of intersection of the curves that generate the ideal. The intersection is what I am after! not all this extra junk information!

What I need to do is find the groebner basis test for intersection of n curves in m-dimensional space. I think that whichever dude figured that out, must have already dealt with my problem.

Here I go

Carpe Diem

http://souljerky.com/_media/swf/alan_watts_life.swf

The Unconscious and Entonophobia

Went to the gym today for the first time with a friend. At around the 22nd minute I  was mortified to realize that I had been jogging directly in front of an old interest of mine. Not to be all giggly and girly, it just brought to my attention the perhaps meaningfulness of the things we do unconsciously  and the great self doubt it can create. Did I do that unconsciously? Or did he come in and set up shop behind me?

Self-doubt is a dangerous thing,  because your fears can never truly be affirmed or denied by someone else.  Yet it keeps you up late at night, colours everything you do, makes you react strangely and sets the stage for some serious angsting. 

Then again, being a tropical black girl of college age in a competitive university in rural white america leaves many real fears to have; Racism, exclusion, undesirability, failure, stupidity, fear of the future etc, etc. 

The sensible neurotic in me tells me to attack them one at a time.  For the time being I will focus on the one fear that is keeping me out of the state of minnesota.... ticks!

Word of the day : ENTONOPHOBIA

Angst and Friendship in the Brave New World

 "One of the principal functions of a friend is to suffer (in a milder and symbolic form) the punishments that we should like, but are unable, to inflict upon our enemies." Brave New World,  Aldous Huxley

Had a massive mood-swing last night. It started out as such a mediocre night, then went to excellent in a heart beat. Then some time around midnight one of my friends was inexplicably angry with me about something - who knew what because the level of anger did not match up with the supposed trespass. I really need to get better at deflecting other people's moods. They end up being my unhappiness way too often. 

On the other hand, I have a good opportunity to avoid that particular set today - until they cool off I suppose - because to day is another friend's happy day:

It's her birthday! But it get's better! She recently found out that she got into Stanford,  Harvard and MIT for grad school. We, her friends, expected nothing less, but it is a great thing to have it all on paper... And so many choices!

Tonight we celebrate! I only hope I can work up the appropriate mood. 

Or not

All I wanted was to go to the beach. But di vibes well dead since the relative's accident and unfortunately I can't drive. That sorry fact bites me in the ass at least 4 time a year, but never again!!!

Today we go to a wedding. A trumpet-player from church will take a wife today. Apparently they are two very good people. I hope it lasts, very few people marry nowadays and still fewer stay together. The last wedding I went to - of another set of church people - is currently crumbling.

We will see what the night brings

To the Beach!

Welcome to Jamorock

In case you were wondering, that show that I went to in Kingston, with Damian and Stephen Marley, was fabulous, and Damian is kind of hot in a strange skinny rastaman sort of way.

On a related note, I am Legend, starring Will Smith, is a good movie for goosebumps. I thoroughly enjoyed it, though I don't think I could bear to watch it again.

A Very Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas folks. I hope that the holidays have treated you well. Mine have been a mixed bag. In fact, so 'mixed' that I would say it has been bad,

1. My old relative over at formerly known as nearly killed himself in a car crash. But I'll let him talk more in depth about that one.

2. The husband of a church sister of ours was shot dead outside his home. Two men were lurking in the yard and shot at him while he drove out. They didn't take his money, or his car; only his life. Perhaps they didn't have the time. For the first time I am truly afraid to be living in the most violent country on earth.

3. And finally, my father , in his supererogatorty decision to wait for me when I had decided not to go, was made late for midnight mass at Christmas. He spent the entire car ride calling me 'swine', told me to be more like my brother, and banned me from the house for spring break, saying 'mi nuh wah see yuh'. All in all, this shyt came from nowhere. I guess he must have been upset about something. But I'm tired of getting the bad end of every bad mood in that house.

I wonder if he will take it back. No, that will never happen. I wonder if he will bat an eye when I walk away and never come back. All I get is the impression that he is waiting for me to fail so that he can gloat and affirm the impression he has had about me since I was 7. I guess I'll see him on graduation day.

Anyway, I don't fly back to school until the 4th of January. Let's see what we can make of the rest of the holidays.

Family and Kingston

My brother recently reminded me that the last time I saw him was last december. Imagine that. A whole year. I wonder if he or I am the same persons we used to be...

He comforts me. he tells me that my grades no longer matter now that I have a job. But it's not that simple. Now that I am the only one looking, they are all of a sudden very important to me. How very odd.

Anyway, I'm off to Kingston. For those of you who don't know, that's the capital of Jamaica. Buy a damn map! There we will reunite with some family friends and catch the Welcome to Jamrock show by the (Bob) Marley Family.

See you soon.