Hate Crime

• •  Below is a facebook conversation with a friend
    
    
    
    
    Him: oh btw....did i tell you about my beating?
• Me:
  

  about an hour ago

  • ?
  • no
• Him:
  

  about an hour ago

  • a couple of weeks ago...i was walking back home from a friend's place ...a party....got jumped by 4 white guys.....got pretty much the shit kicked out of me
  • my shoulder's messed up....doing physical therapy these days
• about an hour ago

  Me:

  • !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • wtf!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • are you OK...ish?
  • no permanent damage right?
  • did you get a look at them?
  • tell the police?
• Him:
  

  about an hour ago

  
  

  • yeah....improving... have not been to the gym in a month...
  • not permanent no...hopefully...
  • yeah...they drove by me on my way back....yellled at me ....slowed the car down....i told em to fuck off...they parked the car...ran to me...told me to apologize....and i did...cuz i didnt want trouble....and they said i needed to apologize to them individuallly...i just tried to get out of the way and get home...and got called a brown bastard....and i told em they were being racist....
• 
  
• Him: 

  
  

  • at which point they decided to fuck me up...i got one guy in the face...but the others wrestled me down and kicked the crap out of me...i was unconscious for a few mins before some people from a frat house across the street came out and helped me up
  • the police

    came*....they took a statement ....and pics and a police report was 

    filed
• Me:
  

  about an hour ago

  
  

  • I think Im going to cry
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    Yes, I cried. I can't even articulate how angry, upset and terrified this makes me... on his behalf, on my own behalf. This stuff actually happens. Not just in movies. Not just far away or long ago. But here and now to your family and friends. I can't forget that this happened. I can't for one second forget.

Baby

My friend, whom I visited in Malaysia last summer... just had a beautiful baby girl. She had been been about 2 weeks pregnant when I was there. It's so great, because, she has a back injury and wondered even back when we were in high school together, whether she could ever carry a child to term without permanently paralysing herself... or worse.

Blessing.

Bad decisions for love...

One of my friends, got into school and told me that her boyfriend was planning to move with her when the time came. They do not live together now, but certainly will then, and she seems just too excited about the idea. A couple of months ago, she had made the decision that they would not move in together until he got a job. That situation has not changed, but she has clearly softened her position.

As the heartless pragmatists that I am, I think it's a good idea not to move one's emotionally dependent, oft depressed, unemployed bf into one's home, especially when that would necessitate some financial dependence. But, maybe that's why I'm still single. If it makes her happy, is it a bad idea? I suppose time will tell. But that's the problem with 20/20 hindsight, it accounts for info you couldn't possibly have had at the time. Within reason, are there REALLY any bad decisions when it comes to pursuing love?

And clearly the stakes have changed. Maybe it's "better" for him to move in with her, than for her to move out of his life...

Making a run for it

Another friend of mine at my old company, recently contacted me about the best way to quit as an international hire. Seems like ALL the minorities are making a run for it. Ha!

Karachi

Bombing in Karachi, so powerful a friend, blocks away was knocked off his chair at work. He's fine though...

How do we make it stop?

And who will defend me?

check this out

My friend is here visiting from NYC and we were sitting in the living room discussing the H1-B. It's that time ladies and gents. At the end of this month the lawyers will send in our applications. 50% of them will be automatically rejected - randomly chosen to not even be considered. The other 50% will await the kindness of the US government to see if we can continue to work here.

As if our futures were not uncertain enough there is the added complication of the bail-out, the stimulus bill, the depressed economy. My friend is telling me that companies on the TARP - troubled asset relief programme - are not allowed to apply for work visas for their foreign employees. "Buy American" has become "Hire American" and is disturbing in both spirit and effect. Every time there is a problem this coutry kind of rolls up into a ball - like an armadillo, or Buster from Arrested Development. Will they do more harm than good this time? we will have to wait and see....

Ahoy G20!

Jungle Fever

I'm getting an error when I try to post my Girl-talk videos from the summer, so iIll talk about this instead:

My roomie just admitted until recently he thought that Jungle fever was a legit medical thing... When his friend told him she had jungle fever, he asked "What are the symptoms? Are you ok?" But seriously, jungle fever is the new pink - it's hott. Go for it! Why get caught up with fear, worry and other silly things? Brown skin is sexy. You know you want to...

Acutane

My roomie is going on acutane for her acne and brought back this huge reader that she has to go through before she starts the 5 month course. Supposedly we have to watch her for depresison and crying spells while she's on the pills. More than that though... Apparently you SHOULD NOT GET PREGNANT while on the meds. So the reader has a whole set of sections trying to dispel the myths around sex and getting pregnant so that the patients don't accidently knock themselves up.

My favourite myth of all:

" 'Sexually active' means that you move during sex. If you don't move, you can't get pregnant."

I have no words

Cool Runnings

So, every Jamaican who has ever left the island has had to encounter the world's obsession with certain Jamaican things. They play Bob Marley in McLeod Ganj - a small Northern Indian city near the Tibetan border, home of the Dalai Lama. They fake Jerk Chicken in Williamstown - a small one street town in the bushes of Massachussets. But everybody, and I mean EVERYBODY has watched and LOVED Cool Runnings.

Yeah it's a heart warming story. Sure, I'll give you that. And those fake Jamaican accents are so cute and charming. But really... can the world get over it please? The actors werent even Jamaican! Did you know that they show Finnish children the movie and have them send money for the Jamaican bob-sled team.

Either way, I came face to face with this odd phenomenon yesterday when my co-workers insisted that we have a bonding cool-runnings party. They did it in good faith and in good taste. Maybe I'll play along this time...


Today I retire today's confession : I am lazy. Instead let's confess something else: I don't know how to manage money. I spend too much. Where did I get these expectations for the kind of life I want to live? Perhaps I have illusions about who I am.

Boston and Hospital Haikus

Written just before my ultrasound:


Pain sings like echoes
stuck rebounding between these
narrow pelvic walls


I move to Boston on the first of September. I'm kind of pissed actually. I am in Jamaica now feeling that olympic frenzy. I arrived on the 20th and only planned to leave on the 30th so I could make it to Boston in time to move in with the roomies. Turns out the boys struck a deal and are moving in on the 30th. In response, Didem is moving in on the 31st. I will be last to arrive and last to pick a room. What portends! Is this what is to come? Am I ready for Boston and this new life...

Than again, things have always had a stunning way of working out in my favour. Maybe Boston is not ready for me... :)

The Professor's Daughter - Emily Raboteau

I guess I have a lot to say tonight. So for your reading ease, I present the subsections:

Liteature:
...reading this book I found on my grandma's bed-side table. While I was riding the Q one line really stuck with me.

"That's a bullshit word. 'Shy.' That just a pretty word for selfish."

Interesting. Is that true? I always thought that the a shy person was just secretly wracked with fear. What if they are just secretly hoarding all the beautiful insightful things they could be giving us. Everything going in, nothing coming out.

Friends:
A guy friend of mine just admitted something he has been struggling with alone. I don't want to write about him, but I just wanted to say that if he had told us, we would have taken care of him. Some people would say he was dumb for letting it go so long, when it was an easy fix. But he's not dumb, he's proud. I would have done the same in his situation. I wouldn't have liked him any less for caving. I like him all the more for not.

Family:
Anyway, It turns out that my cousin in actually going to have her wedding at my house in Jamaica. Imagine that.

Here in NYC, my grandma is having her operation on Wednesday. She is removing her gallstones. Somehow, it's not going to be an invasive procedure. We prepare for the Hospital stay tomorrow.

Next time I'll try and write a little about The Fountainhead. Today I went to a dance class at the New Dance Group place on 38th and 8th. I love getting sweaty, don't you? I really don't care how unattractive it is. Those endorphines do crazy things to me.

He's really not that into you...

I was hanging out with some people who's names are not important right now. Either way, there was a particularly entertaining part of the discussion that I enjoyed listening to even if I couldn't fully take part. The two boys were talking about relationship self help type books and how they are  woman's domain. The thing to read right now apparently is "He's really not that into to you", but there is no equivalent for guys because guys just don't read shit like that.

One fellow proposed, a dvd series where a guy and a girl act out a  potentially romantic scenario and at some point the viewer has to choose the next move - whether it is to do a certain action or say a particular sequence of words. Depending on their choice, the guy would either reach fourth base - Bow Chika Wow Wow! -  while the viewer watches,  or would only go so far and end up with various forms of rejection.  This is a perverted goose-bumps choose-your-own-ending type of thing where the key to success/victory/scoring is to learn not to be a douchebag. 

They said that it is interactive, helpful, fun and combines the two things that appeal most to men - video games and porn. But, would it  sell?

Ha! This cracks me up!

The Fountainhead - Ayn Rand

So I picked up a copy of the Fountainhead at the Barnes and Noble at Union Square. I was sitting in my friends room keeping her company, reading and eating cheesecake (delicious). She saw what I was reading and asked why I decided to pick it up.

I said something like "I heard it was really good - and it is- and I'm interested in her philosophy." It was perfectly true, but not even half of the real reason. It was a side reason, incidental, icing on the cake when I saw that book in the store and snatched it up.

When I was 16 or 17 I asked my guy friend how you could ever sleep with someone you hated. I was naive at the time and confused at the torrid love affair that was happening between two overly artistic, philosophically and appropriately angsty acquaintances who ostensibly hated each other. My friend turned to me, took me to a bookshelf - we were in the library - pulled down The Fountainhead and said that I should read this and I would understand. Years later I found the book in that bookstore and decided it was time.

I'll let you know if the book enlightens me. Either way, that was the real reason I was reading it. I have no idea why I didn't tell my girl friend that. Was it too personal? Maybe we just arne't that close and I didn't know it until then. Was I sounding the other answer off her? Did I not want to get into it? Is this caught up with me pretending to be other than I am - because I am now sure that I have been doing that?

I have a way of not telling a lie but not saying the thing that is most true. There are so many true things. No reason is ever the full reason. I am large, I contain multitudes. But why did I feel like I was cheating this time when I gave her that harmless answer?

She said that she thought that Ayn Rand's philosophy was impractical and selfish. "Well ... yes. "

Just more angsty food for thought.

P.S. Im going to the premiere of Hancock!

puddles of lust

From sage francis:

"Falling in love, this time, was like stepping into a puddle you didn’t think was gonna be as goddamn deep as it motherfucking turned out to be."

How about falling in lust?

I should be starting college now... maybe I would actually make a move.

Think like a man

Yesterday, I popped into the bar and made a new acquaintance. He was on his fifth drink - four of which were in shot form - so I'm sure he was more talkative than he normally would be. He first caught my attention when, while giving a friend of mine advice, he told her that she needed to think like a man. Intrigued, I turned to him and said 

"Think like a man? Do tell..."

In the story that follows I shall call my new acquaintance Jack and the girl in question (you will be later introduced) Jill. 

"Yeah! Think like a man!" He said. apparently, men are stubborn and go directly after what they want. If my friend was to resolve her problem, she needed to be direct and get to the point in conversations,  instead of beating around the bush. 

This  seemed like reasonable advice in content, though not in name, so I kept listening. However, at this point a girl came by - this is Jill - and he put out his arm. She hugged him, they flirted a little and then she continued on her way. 

He continued to talk. "You see, you have to play the game." When a girl is  trying to get a guy or a guy is trying to get a girl, they follow certain patterns of behaviour. To succeed you have to know the rules and play. Girls pretend they are not interested in the people they are interested in . Guys always go exactly for what they want and that will never get them any. 

This was beginning to sound decidedly like bullshit. But then mildly-drunk Jack began to back up the bull with some incredible empirical data. 

"You see this group of girls behind me?" I look over his shoulder, and there, on the pseudo-dance floor was an awkward group of girls mildly swaying to the inappropriate-for-dancing bar music. "There is no reason for them to be there, but *Jill* just wants to get my attention." And lo and behold, there was Jill, swaying awkwardly in the middle of the gaggle.  "Now I turn away," He turned more fully towards me so that his back was firmly to the girls,  "and this is going to drive her crazy!"

You see, to get laid, the guy has to think like a girl. He has to pretend he is not interested, until the girl, in frustration/exasperation, starts giving much more overt signs. She becomes so invested, so obsessed! Then the guy can make his move because he knows that he is in!

And surprise, surprise, after a few minutes of the cold shoulder, Jill sauntered over and flung her fluffy white scarf around his neck. They flirted outrageously and I , nauseated,  went to go find some other acquaintances. 

Later in the night, Jill left without Jack and i went over to him to tease him about his failure. But he said, that 100% guaranteed on the night he returns, he is going home with Jill. I have a buck riding on this. I'll let you know whether he succeeds. 

I wonder if this only works for women and men who are utterly full of themselves or whether it rings with a deeper truth. I know I have, on more than one occasion feigned disinterest. But a cold shoulder would deflate and repel me rather than insight me to more overt shows of affection. 

Hmm... food for thought.

Angst and Friendship in the Brave New World

 "One of the principal functions of a friend is to suffer (in a milder and symbolic form) the punishments that we should like, but are unable, to inflict upon our enemies." Brave New World,  Aldous Huxley

Had a massive mood-swing last night. It started out as such a mediocre night, then went to excellent in a heart beat. Then some time around midnight one of my friends was inexplicably angry with me about something - who knew what because the level of anger did not match up with the supposed trespass. I really need to get better at deflecting other people's moods. They end up being my unhappiness way too often. 

On the other hand, I have a good opportunity to avoid that particular set today - until they cool off I suppose - because to day is another friend's happy day:

It's her birthday! But it get's better! She recently found out that she got into Stanford,  Harvard and MIT for grad school. We, her friends, expected nothing less, but it is a great thing to have it all on paper... And so many choices!

Tonight we celebrate! I only hope I can work up the appropriate mood. 

Exam Week

It's exam week and I have no exams, only two papers. We got our last test back for Real analysis and it was obvious that my professor went on a rampant bout of grade inflation. On one question, which admittedly deserved a good amount of partial credit, she gave me full marks saying 'you were headed in the right direction'. I ain't complaining.

We are all waiting for this week to be over. Then home-home and and then Winter Term. YAY!! An old friend of mine sent me a care package. I love friends who will send you stuff just for the heck of it... just to make you feel better.

BTW a Turkish friend of mine has been growing a fantastic beard. he is cutting it off before he goes home so that they "will let him on the plane". It's funny the things you take for granted. At least I only get harrassed in airports for fitting the description of a drug mule.

Thanksgiving in context

The liquor store was closed for Thanksgiving - go figure - so I brought some Jamaican Blue Mountain Coffee as a gift to my professor's house - never go to someone's house without a gift. It turns out that he had invited four stranded students to his house for Thanksgiving. There was also his mother, wife, daughter, brother-in-law and friend (from grad school). It's amazing how much more you understand when you see someone in context. Professor G's context - family and friends - showed that his utter insanity is perhaps less shocking than I had previously thought.

It was really nice for him to invite us to his home. Not many people would do that. The food was awesome, and once we got into the swing of the madness the awkward silences got fewer and further between.

One thing did stand out though. I was pleasantly bantering with the brother-in-law about his hair. He was full mountain man. He was amazing! Over the course of the night, we learnt that he lived in a place that allowed him to have neither water nor electricity bills. He had a full beard and two scraggly pig-tails reaching far down his back. He said, that since the army made him shave, that he had not cut his hair since he had come back from Vietnam. A small alarm bell went off in my head. Then he said that if we look at owls, we realize that being covered in hair allows you to be more sensitive to your environment. Intruiguing. His hair is how he transmits waves into the universe and how we receive them. That's why indians pray with feathers, 'and that's why you have pubic hair'. What?!?! "That's why you have pubic hair."

The table was silent. I guess everyone has one crazy relative. Someone changed the subject to pie.

The dinner was wonderful and memorable. That family makes a mean pecan pie. We left to find the other students on campus.

We found some friends in one of the houses. They were the ones who did not want to go the president's house and who had not been invited to a professors house. We all scrounged up a dinner or scrambled eggs, salmon sandwiches, hamburger meat, pasta with tomato sauce, rice, chicken, sardines, octopus and bread. I don't know much about the awkward holiday "Thanksgiving" but it is wonderful to spend quality time with good friends. We later watched Chronicles of Riddick. I wonder when they are making 2 and 3.

Guests

I had visitors for the first time this term; three visitors from the 5 college area. And when they arrived, their friends descended upon my room. It was excellent fun. But it did three things. First, it made me realize how spartan my room is. A friend once told me, never to trust a person with nothing in their dorm rooms. It's a sign of secrets and instability. I am one of those people. But frankly, what can you do? My room would look more lived in if it was more lived in.

Second it made me realize how good friends are. They come and enjoy you and you enjoy them. They will travel for miles just to sit on your floor. They are patient, they are loving and they don't care if you smell bad. And they can last forever, ever changing, ever interesting.

Third, it made me contemplate the etiquette of hosting. I had the time of my life this weekend, but my weekend is all gone now. I had to give up other friends and events and all school work. But it could not have happened any other way. When you have guests, they must receive your full attention. If someone travels to see you, they rightly become the centre of your universe. Now I must put my butt in gear and work like crazy for the next solid 48 hours. But first, dance practice.

outside consulting

Had my first ever job interview with a consulting firm yesterday. I don't know how it went. There are moments when I feel it went really well, and others when I replay a moment and know it could have gone a lot better. It's the worst kind of self-torture. I guess Nietzsche was right - one of the worst illnesses is the inability to forget. At least the interview was good practice.

But now I have other things to think about. Tonight I'm stage-managing for a show and it is a hot mess. First rehearsal was yesterday night. Last rehearsal this morning. Still haven't seen half the pieces. People are just too damn disorganized and expect other people to save their butts. And its even worse because this is a memorial celebration. Put some effort in.

Someone asked me yesterday why I like stage-managing - it's not as fulfilling as performing after all. But Stage managing is a different kind of creation. Like drawing in water on hot pavement. Like quilting. I'm ok with staying behind the scenes.

Yesterday night I told an old buddy that I'm happy he's my friend. He took that as evidence that I was drunk. We don't say these things often enough.