Retired confessions

Retiring: "Sometimes I fake emotions. I wonder if they can tell."


Admitting: "I have no plan. I honestly thought life would end before this."

Retired confessions with a little Buddhism

Today I retire the confession: "I self-sabotage. I know what must be done, and sometimes I just don't do it... does this mean I have problems, or that I just don't want the things I think I want?"

All this time in the Midwest has helped me sort out what my desires really are. The painful part of admitting your desires, is admitting the chance you will never have what you want. It's easier to want nothing - that's how the Buddhists deal with life after all - but is it better? Jury's out.

But now I do know that when I self sabotage, it's because I just don't want what I'm pretending to want. I am undisciplined and stubborn.


Now I must confess: Sometimes I fake emotions. I wonder if they can tell.

Old confessions

Today I retire my old confession:

"I didn't know before, and I wouldn't like to admit it, but I am emotional and naive. My intuition has been my guide to-date. Now that I don't trust it anymore, I am lost"

I think I have come to peace with the fact that I am emotional. It turns out that my emotions are sometimes wiser and more instructive than my faux-solid logic.



Instead, I have to come to terms with a fact and a question that:

"I self-sabotage. I know what must be done, and sometimes I just don't do it... does this mean I have problems, or that I just don't want the things I think I want?"

The loss of intuition

Today I retire this confession:

"I am a judger. I judge people and I am not ashamed. Dont get me wrong... I understand we all have moments of weakness. I just think that expecting less than the best from someone is the worst kind of condescension; a fine line from the tyranny of lowered expectations."

What does it mean to judge anyway? Am I judging when I hold you to my moral standards and find that you excel? Or is it just judging if the outcome is negative? Isn't it "judging" when I simply think I know anything about you at all? How can I possibly know you?

I will instead confess this:

"I didn't know before, and I wouldn't like to admit it, but I am emotional and naive. My intuition has been my guide to-date. Now that I don't trust it anymore, I am lost."

Retired confessions

"I don't know what I want. I am hoping and I'm afraid that that's the only thing holding me back. What if I am actually held back by ability? What if I never discover a passion?"

Today I retire that confession, though it still haunts me. But I can put it behind me because I am now more sure of my ability than ever before and i am beginning to understand what is important to me. I'll - instead - let you know a little something new about me. "I am a judger. I judge people and I am not ashamed. Dont get me wrong... I understand we all have moments of weakness. I just think that expecting less than the best from someone is the worst kind of condescension; a fine line from the tyranny of lowered expectations. "

Authority and desire

Today I retire the confession "Me hate authority. Authorty hate me," even though that is still very true. I think I can be extremely frustrating to my supervisors not because they feel like I am incompetent, but because they see nothing standing in between them and what they want from me except my own stubborn unresponsive will. The problem is, they can't make me want what they want, mostly because ... I don't know what I want.

In other news, I went for drinks with this guy from the office. My roommate has informed me that that counts as a date. He had hinted a couple months ago that we should go out for drinks. I thought it was a casual team thing - we work together - so I was enthusiastic. Last week when he came over to ask me to drinks that night, it would be dishonest of me to say I didn't sense the date vibe. He was WAY too nervous. He hesitated, his voice stumbled, he practically whispered the invitation. I resisted the urge to run. The honest part of me was therefore not surprised when we were the only ones at the bar that night. We had fun.

Retired confessions... that is all.

I got paid yesterday. Kaching!!! So I am DETERMINED to retire this confession:

" I don't know how to manage money. I spend too much. Where did I get these expectations for the kind of life I want to live? Perhaps I have illusions about who I am. "

This check is going to last a looooong time - if I can help it. I'll let you know when I decide who I am. In the meanwhile I have a new confessions, based wholly in my job, my anger and my frustration:

"me hate authority. Authority hate me."

This is in part in honour of the pallindrome that is now Na's age. Welcome to 22 Na and thanks for the shoutout. You boosted my mood. With the crap that's been happening, I'm due for an upturn in life.

Cool Runnings

So, every Jamaican who has ever left the island has had to encounter the world's obsession with certain Jamaican things. They play Bob Marley in McLeod Ganj - a small Northern Indian city near the Tibetan border, home of the Dalai Lama. They fake Jerk Chicken in Williamstown - a small one street town in the bushes of Massachussets. But everybody, and I mean EVERYBODY has watched and LOVED Cool Runnings.

Yeah it's a heart warming story. Sure, I'll give you that. And those fake Jamaican accents are so cute and charming. But really... can the world get over it please? The actors werent even Jamaican! Did you know that they show Finnish children the movie and have them send money for the Jamaican bob-sled team.

Either way, I came face to face with this odd phenomenon yesterday when my co-workers insisted that we have a bonding cool-runnings party. They did it in good faith and in good taste. Maybe I'll play along this time...


Today I retire today's confession : I am lazy. Instead let's confess something else: I don't know how to manage money. I spend too much. Where did I get these expectations for the kind of life I want to live? Perhaps I have illusions about who I am.

Catchin Up...

wow, third confession for the day... I guess I have a lot of catching up to do. Right now I just want to retire today's confession and make a reminder note for things I must write about:

Let us set aside old confessions: "I don't know if I have the strength for real change"

and face our new bits of self-discovery: "I am lazy"


To write about:

Jamaica and the Olympics

Bisexuality

Grandma

Visiting Home

Saundrene's wedding - and meeting the fiance

Cooking


maybe I can tackle these in groups...

Church Bells

I think my dad and grandma are trying to get my cousin to get married in a church.

Today I retire this confession: "I am restless. I am looking for something I cannot name. It this unhappiness?"