Afghani woman on self immolation

"Don't burn yourself," she said, lying on her hospital bed. "If you want a way out, use a gun: it's less painful."

from here

One of my roomies was signing up to see a shrink. So they asked her a few questions to match her up with someone suitable. They asked, of course, "Do you have thoughts of suicide?" And my roomie told me that she was shocked. Suicide is not even an option, she said.

It's one thing to think suicide is not an option. It's another thing to understand how it would seem like an option to some hypothetical body. It's a third stance to consider it for yourself day in and day out, or maybe late at night when considering what you should do tomorrow. C is not healthy I gather. Is option B toeing the line? And what about that afghani woman? Is there a difference between suicide from depression and suicide as the last and only act of independence?

Either way, sounds like it hurts. BTW I am reading Sylvia Plath.

P.S. Do Jamaicans commit suicide?

Or not

All I wanted was to go to the beach. But di vibes well dead since the relative's accident and unfortunately I can't drive. That sorry fact bites me in the ass at least 4 time a year, but never again!!!

Today we go to a wedding. A trumpet-player from church will take a wife today. Apparently they are two very good people. I hope it lasts, very few people marry nowadays and still fewer stay together. The last wedding I went to - of another set of church people - is currently crumbling.

We will see what the night brings

I hate people

There's that old sentiment that you learn a lot about yourself from a fight (maybe not so old, maybe Fight Club?). Either way, today I had three excruciating confrontations with employees of the College. Granted, they all had their own flavour... sometimes I was standing, stationary, pacing; sometimes there was shouting on both sides, sometimes it was very quiet and passive aggressive and the power dynamics were clear. This is what I have learned:

The people who have power over you are not necessarily better than you in anyway. They are not more intelligent or mature. They are not necesarily insightful or logical. Heaven forbid they show a little understanding. Some random sequence of events has placed them over you, and they will often use their power, their inflated self-image, and their arbitrary systems of assessment to make your life less pleasant than it would otherwise be.

This is what I've learned about myself:

I have to be my own boss. But so much time, space and effort are separating me from that happy day. I guess I should stop being dramatic and struggle on...